This past month was hard. I had a “friendship breakup” and some other relational difficulties. I’ve always read about how we should avoid toxic people, but I also felt that God teaches us to love the ones who are most difficult to love.
Lately, however, I’ve realized that I’ve gotten more and more outraged and things that I witness or hear. To a point where no longer do I trust God with the final outcome, but I have to run my mouth myself.
Also this year, I just see it as a continuance of alienating myself and building hedges. I’m warm and outgoing enough so that people just assume that I am an open book. But, I don’t think the path I’m following is healthy.
I’m wondering if I’m just the toxic person.
So in thinking about this, I have three resolutions: (Using the SMART Goals system I use with my students: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-Bound).
1) Prioritize truth in my life by returning to the study of God’s Word – 20 minutes in the morning daily by doing a simple workbook on the characteristics of Jesus Christ.
2) Guard by heart by guarding the words in my head and in my mouth, especially when no one is around me. This year, I’ve started to use profanity in my mind and when I’m alone. I need to nip this now – and I’ll do so by replacing garbage with truth (Eph 4:29).
3) Practice forgiveness. I confess, I don’t really know how to do this specifically, measurably, attainably within a time limit.
I think in taking care of my whole person, by starting with my core, my soul, I can truly be an instrument of grace for those around me. As of now, I realized that I’ve just been working out of my own strength.