Dear Heavenly Father,
You knew me before I was in the womb. You crafted me with your hands and placed me in this world with a head full of hair and questions. You told me that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. In Your mercy, You took this selfish, helpless baby and gave me the many experiences that helped shape me into who I am today. Then in college.. in Berkeley of all places, You helped me see that I was selfish and helpless and that sin wasn’t an offensive judgment but a practical description of a gal who loved her ways above Yours.
Then You breathed life into my stone-heart and showed me what love is — the love that a righteous Father has for His perfect Son and the love that was willing to sacrifice the very same Son for souls that reject You.
I used to be calculative. After moving through 5 schools and observing society’s dynamics, I learned to toughen my skin, get to the jokes first, be funny and be sharp. Relationships were two-way streets and I wanted to make sure the opportunity costs were worth it. Utility.
Who would have thought that I could care for others? Who would have thought that a memory like mine – that held grudges and remembered offenses and sought fairness – now could hold names and remember others’ hurts and desire their good?
You let me see and experience so much. Yet, at the end of the day though, what is any of this if this does not bring glory to You? What is a life full of what the world may praise.. what the world may call daring.. what the world may admire… if the spotlight doesn’t bounce right off me and right back to You?
I want to trust and obey. I want to walk with You. And it’s always been in me to sacrifice – it’s easier than obedience. Submission feels antiquated, and yet You’re so frank in that fifth command.
There are faces of boys I will never see.
And my heart aches because I don’t know if I will see them on the other side of eternity either.
Yet I know my being there wouldn’t have brought that about.
That’s in Your sovereignty.
For now, I can give You glory by honoring my parents.
With joy. Fighting for it now.
And knowing that when I delight in You.
You will give me the desires of my heart.
I pray this desiring Your will.
In Your son’s name.