Lather, Rinse, Reset

AHHHHHHHH

I WROTE THIS HUGE POST AND SOMEHOW IT GOT COMPLETELY ERASED!!!!!!

But you know what? That’s okay. Because I’ve saved YOU, my reader, from reading my processing and I’ll just give you the nuggets of wisdom I just gleaned.

  1. I cried at school this morning and basically, I think I cry when I’m frustrated by how self-centered my kids are.. especially since we’re in March and the classroom is still so disparate and lacks community  Especially when I compare how much wealth this school has in comparison to my school in Oakland, I just start to feel icky…. and disgusted by them.  (Plus.. they’re LITTLE kids.)
  2. Some kids did come to me to apologize (and one girl said, “I think you need a hug”) … and I just drily told them, “4th and 5th grade is the awkward year where you don’t just say you’re sorry, you show it.”
  3. However, I can’t continue in this vein. I can’t control them by snapping at them or by fear. It’s not right.  I think it was really hard to overcome the coldness I felt though.
  4. But ultimately, I can’t CHANGE them. I can only change ME.  And my attitude.  And even though I don’t really know how to make this right, I know I have to try. (Even though for some of the kids, my extension of a white flag is what I “should do” since I’m a teacher and “it’s my job.”)
  5. So then, I wrote a list – 25 things – one to each child – where I let them know what I appreciate… and that brought me to the fact that
  6. They’re trying. Regardless of how emotionally stunted I think they are in comparison to where they should/could be… they are in their different ways.
  7. So.. the end. Tomorrow is a new day. I will try again.
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